Coping with Difficult People

Coping with Difficult People
Robert Bramson



BASIC COPING STEPS
The six fundamental steps below will help you to cope successfully, no matter what type of difficult person you need to deal with.
1. ASSESS THE SITUATION
Can your troubled relations be resolved by an honest discussion, or are you confronted by a difficult person who habitually acts in a difficult manner?
2. STOP WISHING THEY WERE DIFFERENT
Acknowledge difficult people for what they are. Stop hoping they'll miraculously change or disappear.
3. TRY TO VIEW THE DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR OBJECTIVELY
Try to categorize the person in order to see his or her difficult behavior as a whole.
Try to understand the difficult person's behavior by thinking of instances in which you acted similarly.
4. FORMULATE A COPING STRATEGY
In what way can you change the pattern of interaction between you and the other person so that his or her positive, productive responses are nourished and his or her negative responses are inhibited?
5. IMPLEMENT YOUR PLAN
Choose a time when the difficult person is not unusually burdened with other concerns, and when you have time to carry through with your plan.
Prepare for coping by practicing your responses in front of a mirror or by role playing with a friend.
6. MONITOR YOUR PROGRESS AND MODIFY YOUR PLAN AS REQUIRED
If your strategy isn't working, consider whether you have assessed the difficult person's behavior correctly
Do the benefits of coping outweigh the cost of putting up with the difficult person? If not, is there a way you can avoid the difficult person altogether?

COPING METHOD ABSTRACT
Some kinds of people are more difficult to understand and work with effectively than others. For example: Most of us, at times, encounter clients (or co-workers) who are hostile, complaining, or excessively indecisive, and perhaps find them irritating, frustrating, and very hard to deal with in a constructive way.
There are seven behavior patterns that seem to be particularly difficult to handle:

THE HOSTILE AGGRESSIVE TRIO: Sherman Tanks, Snipers and Exploders
These people display a strong need to shape the world around them; they combine aggressiveness with hostility-throwing tantrums, bullying and intimidating, or making cutting remarks-whenever they don't get their own way.
To cope with these people:
1. Stand up to them, but don't get into an argument.
2. Acknowledge and accept your own opinions andfeelings.
3. Expect to feel rage, but control your behavior.
4. With Snipers, smoke out the attacking nature of the"remark."
5. With Exploders, take what they say seriously andmake sure that they know you do.
6. Manufacture a break in the interaction, if possible.

INDECISIVES
Indecisives are those people who postpone major decisions, as they have learned that the need for most decisions, if they are left unmade, eventually disappears. They may also find it difficult to make a decision until all of the elements are perfect-which means never.
To cope with these people:
1. Help them to voice their concerns or conflicts.
2. Use their "indirectness" as a key to understandingpoints of concern.
3. Provide face-to-face support when possible.
4. Cut down the alternatives you offer.
5. Keep the action step in your hand.
6. Watch for a sudden change in behavior as a signyou've pushed too far.


COMPLAINERS
Although these people point out real problems, they incessantly gripe without ever trying to do anything about what they are complaining about, either because they feel they can't, or because they refuse to bear the responsibility.
To cope with these people:
1. Listen so they can let off steam.
2. Deal with your own guilt.
3. Acknowledge their complaints and feelings, butdon't agree (empathize, don't sympathize).
4. Ask factual, problem-solving questions.
5. Make limiting responses (for example: "You feel youweren't treated well this morning").
6. Ask how they would like things to turn out.

NEGATIVISTS
When others are trying to solve a problem or improve a procedure, Negativists go to work. While they don't intend to throw a wet blanket on every idea, they firmly believe that every obstacle is an immutable barrier out of anyone's power, and thus offer comments like, "it won't work," or "it's impossible"... and deflate the optimism of those around them.
To effectively cope with these people:
1. Watch for and control your own "sympatheticdepression."
2. Make optimistic, but realistic statements.
3. Stay away from solution steps for as long as possible.
4. Don't try to convince them that "things are notso bad."
5. Be prepared to take action on your own.
6. Use their negativism to point out potential problemsthat may need contingency planning.

SILENT-AND-UNRESPONSIVES
When you're looking for information, these people either can't or won't talk. Instead, they respond with a yap, a no, or a grunt. Getting them to talk is the major problem.
To effectively cope with these people:
1. Deal with your own need to fill the silence.
2. Ask open-ended questions.
3. Use the friendly, silent stare.
4. Question their lack of response (for example: "Whatdoes it mean?").
5. End the interaction yourself; don't let it dribble away

EXPERT KNOW-IT-ALLS
These are those "superior" people who believe, and want you to recognize, that they know everything there is to know about anything worth knowing. They are condescending, imposing (if they really do know what they're talking about), or pompous (if they don't), and they will likely make you feel like an idiot.
To effectivelly cope with real expert Know-it-alls you:
1. Do your homework.
2. Ask extensional questions (for example: "Now howwould that apply to our project?").
3. Make factual, but not dogmatic, statements.Be concrete.
4. Choose a subordinate role, if all else fails.
To effectively cope with phoney expert Know-it-alls you:
1. State correct facts or alternative opinions as clearlyas possible, and present them as your own perceptions of reality.
2. Provide a means for the phoney Know-it-all to saveface.
3. Be ready to fill the conversation gap yourself.
4. Cope with this type of person when he or she isalone, whenever possible.

SUPER-AGREEABLES
Having a strong need to be liked and accepted themselves, Super-Agreeables know that people like people who have the good sense to like them. And herein lies the secret of their behavior. They are often very personable, funny, and outgoing individuals who are always very reasonable, sincere, and supportive in your presence. But, rather than directly risk losing your friendship or approval, Super-Agreeables will commit themselves to actions on which they cannot or will not follow through.
To effectively cope with these people:
1. Help them express their true feelings; listen carefullyto what they have to say.
2. Keep in mind that they need your approval.
3. Be appreciative of their humor.
4. Be personal with them.
5. Collaborate with them to help them follow through.


THE COPING PLAN
The Coping Plan consists of a series of questions that can help you to do the best possible job of coping, given your personality and the circumstances in which you find yourself. While completing the plan, keep these things in mind:
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS COPING
Expect to have to do more than your share of the work. Remind yourself that your alternatives are to keep on stewing and getting irritated; to get out of the situation; to choose to live with the difficult behavior; or to persist in your coping attempts even if the fault lies with the difficult person.

WISHING THEY WERE DIFFERENT
The feelings of resentment and fatigue that may wash over you stem from "wishing they were different." While feelings such as these are most understandable, they can keep you from working hard at coping.

IF IT'S YOUR BOSS OR SPOUSE
The more relevant and important the relationship is to you, the more important it will be for you to practice, in private, the coping words you are likely to use.

COMBINATIONS
Many difficult people are combinations of difficult behavior patterns.
The rule of thumb is to use the coping methods that are indicated for both patterns, in alternating sequence. For example, you have been assigned a procrastinating staff member. This person sidesteps the issue of work that hasn't been done by kidding a lot. However, there is a bite to the jokes, and you're the one that gets bitten. "Ah yes," you say to yourself, "a super-agreeable, covert hostile-aggressive." In this situation, your coping plan will be to:

PERSISTENCE PAYS
Be ready to persist in your coping efforts. Remember that quickly becoming fed up with difficult people is a very human reaction-most people do. That is why difficult behavior "works," at least in the short run. Enjoin yourself to stay with the effort. Persistence is more important to effective coping than the skill or comfort with which you carry out the methods.
1. Describe in as much detail as possible the behavior of a person youfind difficult.
2. Write down briefly your understanding of that behavior.
3. Think now of your past behavior as you have interacted with that person. Describe in as much detail as you can. Have there been times and/or situations in which the interaction seemed better? Worse?
4. As you review what you have written down under item 3, determine thepersonal traits that have enabled you to cope effectively in the past, and acknowledge those personal strengths.
5. Now, think of the coping behaviors most likely to be useful with thedifficult person you have described. Consider that some behavior represents a mixture of defensive reactions. What have you tried that seemed to work? What has not worked?
6. In what area(s) do you need skill/practice in coping?
7. Action Ran: Identify the difficult people in your life with whom you needto cope; develop a coping strategy and implement it; set a deadline, and expect results after a predetermined period of time has elapsed. If you do not achieve the desired results in that period of time, rethink your plan and try again.

REFERENCE LIST
Bramson, Robert. Coping with Difficult People, Anchor Press/ Doubleday, 1981.
Bramson, Robed. Coping with Difficult People, Cassette Works, Pasadena, CA 91102-0158, 1983. (A Cassette Course)
Fromm, Erich. Man for Himself, Fawcett Publications, Inc., Greenwich, CT, 1947.
Luft, Joseph. Of Human Interaction, National Press Books, Palo Alto, CA, 1969.
Meininger, Jut. Success Through Transactional Analysis, Signet Books, New American Library, Inc., 1972.
Satir, Virginia. People Making, Science and Behavior Books, Inc., Palo Alto, CA, 1972.
Walton, R.E. Intrapersonal Peacemaking: Confrontation and Third Party Consultation, Addison-Wesley, 1969.