6. Draw and Defend Your Boundaries

6. Draw and Defend Your Boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible barriers that protect the integrity and rights of the individual. Boundaries are what you allow people to be around you and do to you. We need to clarify, articulate and defend our boundaries in ways that are positive and constructive.

A boundary is what we allow others to do to us or around us. Boundaries, like needs, are often unspoken because we are embarrassed to let other know that we have them, and once you articulate your boundaries you must defend them.

We must understand, articulate and enforce our boundaries because breeches of your boundaries drain you of energy and cause stress. Draw your boundaries gently but firmly. When a boundary is crossed, gently but firmly and work out a solution to end the behavior that is violating your standards.

See yourself as 100 percent responsible for how people treat you, how they act around you, and what they expect from you, otherwise you will act like a victim. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to enable people to treat me this way?” When you unexpectedly blow up at someone, it shows that you have not clearly articulated and enforced your boundaries, making you just as responsible for the violation as the other person.

Learn to say, “No” because when you over promise and renege it drains you of energy. Determine what needs are driving you to over commit, such as a need to achieve, a need to be accepted, a need to be viewed in a certain way, so that you can meet these needs in a more constructive and healthy way. In the short term it might seem easier to let people get away with violating your boundaries, but in the long run it has enormous psychological and physical costs.

Evaluate all of your significant relationships by asking these three questions: 1. How can I significantly improve this relationship? 2. Is this relationship fine just the way it is? and 3. Is this a relationship I need to end or significantly limit?

If there are relationships that are negative that you cannot break off, then you need to clearly set it up so you can see it as a choice, otherwise resentment will build up, destroying the relationship, and you, in the long run. Resentment destroys everything in its path; respect, resentment and trust, as well as joy, passion and pleasure.

It is difficult to set boundaries for several reasons: First, boundaries change as we and our circumstances change. We change slowly over time but we also go through dramatic, sudden changes. Second, we are afraid of what people will think. Failing to set boundaries because of fear will always hurt you in the end. Third, we lack the vocabulary to express boundaries effectively. Calmly state your personal preferences, as if it were a simple fact, without implying anything about the other person. Couch it in a request, or as a question in a very neutral tone, and not as a law. Fourth, we are afraid that we will have to fight to protect the boundary. Because this takes concerted effort, we often just give in instead.

If someone consistently violates your boundaries you need to decide whether you want to end the relationship, limit it, or just put up with the behavior. Some times you must be very blunt and break off the relationship.

If you are being dominated by a bully, there are four courses of action you can take: Submit, Submerge, Engage in Open Conflict, or Sabotage. The rules of battle: First, choose your battles wisely and choose them seldom. Second, take notes and document everything. Third, get professional help and don’t talk to those who can’t help you. Fourth, have an exit strategy in place before you have to use it. If the bully is not a priority in your life, the best course of action is to avoid him.