7. Eliminate Your Tolerations
Tolerations are the small things that distract you from what is really important and drain your energy.
Tolerations are the seemingly inconsequential things that you are putting up with that are draining your energy. They may seem small at first, but as they accumulate and grow they drag you down, destroy your effectiveness, rob you of joy, and hinder you from achieving your prime objective.
Identifying your tolerations gives you the ability to apply the right lever to rid you of those things that are draining your energy. Removing, and maintaining the removal, of your tolerations is a life-long habit you must commit to. Don’t focus on what it will cost you to get rid of your tolerations in the short run, instead, look at what it will cost you in the long run if you don’t get rid of them.
Sometimes the toleration seems insurmountable. Often we feel we don’t deserve to get rid of them. Write down all the tolerations you are putting up with. Set aside time to deal with these tolerations. Set up a system that enables you do consistently eliminate them. It is better to deal with tolerations when they first come up instead of letting them grow and become overwhelming. You must remember that you always have a choice in dealing with tolerations. Complex tolerations need to be broken down into smaller parts that can be dealt with easily and effectively. Plan ahead and save money to deal with tolerations instead of waiting for them to come so they have to be dealt with as emergencies.
To deal with tolerations, ask: What has kept you from taking care of this? What steps do you need to take to remove the obstacle? How much does it really bother me? What kind of professional do I need to take care of this problem? By what date does this have to be done?
If you don’t have money, ask: Who do I know who has the expertise to handle this problem? Can I barter or trade services with this person? Make a list of your tolerations, put a price tag on each one, and then ask friends and relatives to give you what you need to end the tolerations instead of gifts. Begin a tolerations fund to slowly build up money to deal with them.
Tolerations are a part of life, they build up over time, and must be dealt with on a consistent basis. Dealing with tolerations releases energy so that you can achieve your life objective.
For helpful tools visit: leverageyourbest.com
Showing posts with label Self-knowledge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-knowledge. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
6. Draw and Defend Your Boundaries
6. Draw and Defend Your Boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible barriers that protect the integrity and rights of the individual. Boundaries are what you allow people to be around you and do to you. We need to clarify, articulate and defend our boundaries in ways that are positive and constructive.
A boundary is what we allow others to do to us or around us. Boundaries, like needs, are often unspoken because we are embarrassed to let other know that we have them, and once you articulate your boundaries you must defend them.
We must understand, articulate and enforce our boundaries because breeches of your boundaries drain you of energy and cause stress. Draw your boundaries gently but firmly. When a boundary is crossed, gently but firmly and work out a solution to end the behavior that is violating your standards.
See yourself as 100 percent responsible for how people treat you, how they act around you, and what they expect from you, otherwise you will act like a victim. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to enable people to treat me this way?” When you unexpectedly blow up at someone, it shows that you have not clearly articulated and enforced your boundaries, making you just as responsible for the violation as the other person.
Learn to say, “No” because when you over promise and renege it drains you of energy. Determine what needs are driving you to over commit, such as a need to achieve, a need to be accepted, a need to be viewed in a certain way, so that you can meet these needs in a more constructive and healthy way. In the short term it might seem easier to let people get away with violating your boundaries, but in the long run it has enormous psychological and physical costs.
Evaluate all of your significant relationships by asking these three questions: 1. How can I significantly improve this relationship? 2. Is this relationship fine just the way it is? and 3. Is this a relationship I need to end or significantly limit?
If there are relationships that are negative that you cannot break off, then you need to clearly set it up so you can see it as a choice, otherwise resentment will build up, destroying the relationship, and you, in the long run. Resentment destroys everything in its path; respect, resentment and trust, as well as joy, passion and pleasure.
It is difficult to set boundaries for several reasons: First, boundaries change as we and our circumstances change. We change slowly over time but we also go through dramatic, sudden changes. Second, we are afraid of what people will think. Failing to set boundaries because of fear will always hurt you in the end. Third, we lack the vocabulary to express boundaries effectively. Calmly state your personal preferences, as if it were a simple fact, without implying anything about the other person. Couch it in a request, or as a question in a very neutral tone, and not as a law. Fourth, we are afraid that we will have to fight to protect the boundary. Because this takes concerted effort, we often just give in instead.
If someone consistently violates your boundaries you need to decide whether you want to end the relationship, limit it, or just put up with the behavior. Some times you must be very blunt and break off the relationship.
If you are being dominated by a bully, there are four courses of action you can take: Submit, Submerge, Engage in Open Conflict, or Sabotage. The rules of battle: First, choose your battles wisely and choose them seldom. Second, take notes and document everything. Third, get professional help and don’t talk to those who can’t help you. Fourth, have an exit strategy in place before you have to use it. If the bully is not a priority in your life, the best course of action is to avoid him.
Boundaries are the invisible barriers that protect the integrity and rights of the individual. Boundaries are what you allow people to be around you and do to you. We need to clarify, articulate and defend our boundaries in ways that are positive and constructive.
A boundary is what we allow others to do to us or around us. Boundaries, like needs, are often unspoken because we are embarrassed to let other know that we have them, and once you articulate your boundaries you must defend them.
We must understand, articulate and enforce our boundaries because breeches of your boundaries drain you of energy and cause stress. Draw your boundaries gently but firmly. When a boundary is crossed, gently but firmly and work out a solution to end the behavior that is violating your standards.
See yourself as 100 percent responsible for how people treat you, how they act around you, and what they expect from you, otherwise you will act like a victim. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to enable people to treat me this way?” When you unexpectedly blow up at someone, it shows that you have not clearly articulated and enforced your boundaries, making you just as responsible for the violation as the other person.
Learn to say, “No” because when you over promise and renege it drains you of energy. Determine what needs are driving you to over commit, such as a need to achieve, a need to be accepted, a need to be viewed in a certain way, so that you can meet these needs in a more constructive and healthy way. In the short term it might seem easier to let people get away with violating your boundaries, but in the long run it has enormous psychological and physical costs.
Evaluate all of your significant relationships by asking these three questions: 1. How can I significantly improve this relationship? 2. Is this relationship fine just the way it is? and 3. Is this a relationship I need to end or significantly limit?
If there are relationships that are negative that you cannot break off, then you need to clearly set it up so you can see it as a choice, otherwise resentment will build up, destroying the relationship, and you, in the long run. Resentment destroys everything in its path; respect, resentment and trust, as well as joy, passion and pleasure.
It is difficult to set boundaries for several reasons: First, boundaries change as we and our circumstances change. We change slowly over time but we also go through dramatic, sudden changes. Second, we are afraid of what people will think. Failing to set boundaries because of fear will always hurt you in the end. Third, we lack the vocabulary to express boundaries effectively. Calmly state your personal preferences, as if it were a simple fact, without implying anything about the other person. Couch it in a request, or as a question in a very neutral tone, and not as a law. Fourth, we are afraid that we will have to fight to protect the boundary. Because this takes concerted effort, we often just give in instead.
If someone consistently violates your boundaries you need to decide whether you want to end the relationship, limit it, or just put up with the behavior. Some times you must be very blunt and break off the relationship.
If you are being dominated by a bully, there are four courses of action you can take: Submit, Submerge, Engage in Open Conflict, or Sabotage. The rules of battle: First, choose your battles wisely and choose them seldom. Second, take notes and document everything. Third, get professional help and don’t talk to those who can’t help you. Fourth, have an exit strategy in place before you have to use it. If the bully is not a priority in your life, the best course of action is to avoid him.
5. Name and Claim Your Standards
5. Name and Claim Your Standards
We all have an inner code of conduct that regulates how we act and interact with other people. If you are over the age of 30, your code is most likely outdated and needs to be rewritten.
Standards are the behaviors and practices you hold yourself to. They determine what you demand of yourself in any given situation. Some standards we choose, while others are laid on us by others or society; it is these that bog us down, drain us of energy, and cause us to judge others, ruining our relationships.
The first step is to identify your standards and determine what they are based on. Evaluate whether your standards are too high or too low. Determine which standards you need to change.
Set yourself up to win, not to lose. Always set standards that you can actually keep.
Our standards also govern the judgments we pass on others. We make a mistake when we assume that all people are like us, or should be like us, and are faulty when they’re not. Most relational problems are the result of clashes over valuables and standards. Determine what is different about the other person, how that bothers you, and how that makes them stronger or better than me as well as weaker or worse than me. What value does this person bring that I don’t, can’t or won’t? What advantage do I gain by discounting them?
Keep your standards for yourself but not to yourself; you need to communicate your standards to others without forcing your standards upon them.
We all have an inner code of conduct that regulates how we act and interact with other people. If you are over the age of 30, your code is most likely outdated and needs to be rewritten.
Standards are the behaviors and practices you hold yourself to. They determine what you demand of yourself in any given situation. Some standards we choose, while others are laid on us by others or society; it is these that bog us down, drain us of energy, and cause us to judge others, ruining our relationships.
The first step is to identify your standards and determine what they are based on. Evaluate whether your standards are too high or too low. Determine which standards you need to change.
Set yourself up to win, not to lose. Always set standards that you can actually keep.
Our standards also govern the judgments we pass on others. We make a mistake when we assume that all people are like us, or should be like us, and are faulty when they’re not. Most relational problems are the result of clashes over valuables and standards. Determine what is different about the other person, how that bothers you, and how that makes them stronger or better than me as well as weaker or worse than me. What value does this person bring that I don’t, can’t or won’t? What advantage do I gain by discounting them?
Keep your standards for yourself but not to yourself; you need to communicate your standards to others without forcing your standards upon them.
4. Cherish and Protect Your Valuables
4. Cherish and Protect Your Valuables
What is most important to you, what is most valuable to you, no matter what anyone else thinks?
You can live without what is precious to you but it is never fun. The more you design your life to enjoy as many valuables as possible, the more energy you will have. A valuable is what matters most to you, not what someone else says should matter to you.
There are daily living valuables and destination valuables. Our daily valuables tell us what we, and others, should and should not do on a daily basis. When we have a conflict in our valuables it is usually because we have confused daily living valuables with destination valuables. We need to align our daily living valuables so that they help us achieve our destination valuables.
When you recognize and celebrate your valuables, you will feel like your life is under control and moving in the right direction. When you do this, your life will make more sense and will be able to act with clarity, courage and passion.
What is most important to you, what is most valuable to you, no matter what anyone else thinks?
You can live without what is precious to you but it is never fun. The more you design your life to enjoy as many valuables as possible, the more energy you will have. A valuable is what matters most to you, not what someone else says should matter to you.
There are daily living valuables and destination valuables. Our daily valuables tell us what we, and others, should and should not do on a daily basis. When we have a conflict in our valuables it is usually because we have confused daily living valuables with destination valuables. We need to align our daily living valuables so that they help us achieve our destination valuables.
When you recognize and celebrate your valuables, you will feel like your life is under control and moving in the right direction. When you do this, your life will make more sense and will be able to act with clarity, courage and passion.
3. Get Your Needs Met
3. Get Your Needs Met
You need to know what your needs are before you can get them met.
A personal need is something you must have in order to achieve and maintain an optimal state. Having needs can make us feel vulnerable, causing us to deny that we have them to others and to ourselves. We all have needs and it is much more effective if we clearly understand what those needs are and find positive ways to get them met. Needs can be met consciously or unconsciously, productively or unproductively, but they will get met. The question is not whether your needs will be met, but whether they will be met in a constructive, positive way that you choose or in a destructive, negative way that hurts you and those around you. The question is not, do I get my needs met, but how do I get my needs met.
It is essential to build your relationship network so that your needs can be met properly in order for you to achieve your prime objective. You need to give yourself permission to get your needs met. You need to find ways to get your needs met that will not alienate other people or diminish your influence. When your needs are not met, you are drained of energy, dissatisfied, and filled with stress, making it much more difficult to achieve your prime objective.
Learning to get your needs met takes practice, trial and error, so you must be persistent. Other people see your needs even when you try to hide them, so why bother hiding them? We often place self-imposed obstacles in the way of getting our needs met. These obstacles are caused by the way we see ourselves, the way we want others to see us, and how we think other people see us.
Ask: What is the cost of not having my needs met? How much can you accomplish by yourself? Will you really be able to achieve your prime objective without help from others? Are you willing to let pride keep you from getting what you need to achieve your life mission? Do others rely upon you to have their needs met? If so, will you be able to meet their needs if your needs are not met? What is it costing me to maintain my self-created image of self-sufficiency?
If you have the ability to handle a lot of stress, this strength can become a weakness if it keeps you from asking for help until it is too late. The more we get our needs met, the less “needy” we become. When we deny our needs, we become more “needy” and it quickly becomes apparent to everyone else. Anything worth doing is worth getting help with.
A five step process for getting your needs met:
Step One: Identify and articulate specific personal needs. Think of a time when you weren’t yourself or at your best and you will have a pretty good indication of what your needs are. Ask yourself what need was not getting met that caused the breakdown. Step Two: Give yourself permission. Not giving yourself permission to have needs met will hurt you more in the long run. Step Three: Identify the people in your life who can help you. Step Four: Set a goal that will get your need met and choose a strategy to move towards it. Step Five: Anticipate what could go wrong.
Needs stay the same but circumstances change. Consider events in light of your needs, and set up strategies to have your needs met before a crisis occurs. Getting your needs met is an on-going cyclical process that needs to be made a life-long habit.
You need to know what your needs are before you can get them met.
A personal need is something you must have in order to achieve and maintain an optimal state. Having needs can make us feel vulnerable, causing us to deny that we have them to others and to ourselves. We all have needs and it is much more effective if we clearly understand what those needs are and find positive ways to get them met. Needs can be met consciously or unconsciously, productively or unproductively, but they will get met. The question is not whether your needs will be met, but whether they will be met in a constructive, positive way that you choose or in a destructive, negative way that hurts you and those around you. The question is not, do I get my needs met, but how do I get my needs met.
It is essential to build your relationship network so that your needs can be met properly in order for you to achieve your prime objective. You need to give yourself permission to get your needs met. You need to find ways to get your needs met that will not alienate other people or diminish your influence. When your needs are not met, you are drained of energy, dissatisfied, and filled with stress, making it much more difficult to achieve your prime objective.
Learning to get your needs met takes practice, trial and error, so you must be persistent. Other people see your needs even when you try to hide them, so why bother hiding them? We often place self-imposed obstacles in the way of getting our needs met. These obstacles are caused by the way we see ourselves, the way we want others to see us, and how we think other people see us.
Ask: What is the cost of not having my needs met? How much can you accomplish by yourself? Will you really be able to achieve your prime objective without help from others? Are you willing to let pride keep you from getting what you need to achieve your life mission? Do others rely upon you to have their needs met? If so, will you be able to meet their needs if your needs are not met? What is it costing me to maintain my self-created image of self-sufficiency?
If you have the ability to handle a lot of stress, this strength can become a weakness if it keeps you from asking for help until it is too late. The more we get our needs met, the less “needy” we become. When we deny our needs, we become more “needy” and it quickly becomes apparent to everyone else. Anything worth doing is worth getting help with.
A five step process for getting your needs met:
Step One: Identify and articulate specific personal needs. Think of a time when you weren’t yourself or at your best and you will have a pretty good indication of what your needs are. Ask yourself what need was not getting met that caused the breakdown. Step Two: Give yourself permission. Not giving yourself permission to have needs met will hurt you more in the long run. Step Three: Identify the people in your life who can help you. Step Four: Set a goal that will get your need met and choose a strategy to move towards it. Step Five: Anticipate what could go wrong.
Needs stay the same but circumstances change. Consider events in light of your needs, and set up strategies to have your needs met before a crisis occurs. Getting your needs met is an on-going cyclical process that needs to be made a life-long habit.
1. Master Your Universe
1. Master Your Universe
Where are you right now? Is this the best place for you? Your universe is your context and you choose that context.
How do you see yourself? What do you like about yourself? What don’t you like? Who are you from the inside out? Your opinion of yourself is a crucial and must reflect both reality and your inventiveness.
Two brothers grew up in an abusive home. One became an ax murderer and the other became a Nobel Prize Laureate. When asked why they turned out the way they did, both replied identically, “Given my abusive childhood, how could I have become anything else?” It isn’t only what happens to you that matters, but how you perceive what happens to you is more important. Just because something doesn’t feel good to you doesn’t mean it is not good for you.
The number one condition for success in life is the ability to create and leverage successful relationships.
Three perspectives to help you clearly understand where you are right now: 1. How do you see yourself? 2. How do others see you? 3. How would you like to be seen? These three questions lead to the strategy question, “So what do I do now?”
We need to be aware of the web relationships around us, the agendas, needs, and motives of those around us, in order to respond properly. Instead of suppressing the frustrations caused by relationship, leading to an inevitable blowup or poor decision, you must learn to constantly deal with your relationships.
First, assess your environment. Step back and take a broader look at the whole picture. Break down your environment into its specific aspects and then deal with each part in turn. Identify the players and how each person can help you or hinder you. You can’t carry out your Prime Objective plan all by yourself; without the help of others you will fail.
To build and maintain a rock-solid network you must: 1. Identify what’s in it for the other person and what he has to lose. 2. Recognize the beliefs, thinking style and personality of the other person. 3. Genuinely care for the other person and show it. People will not help you unless they can see what’s in it for them. Get clear and specific what is clear to the other person. Help the other person without expecting to receive anything in return. Discover other people’s prime objective, needs, and their secret vanity.
Help other people manage the change you are creating. Beware of people who demand that you stay the same in order to keep the relationship. Just because something is self-evident to you, it isn’t obvious to other people, so explain everything to other people. Discover how they learn and make decisions so you can help them adjust to the change.
Show regard; get interested in people for their own sake. The more you are interested in other people without trying to get something in return, the more they will be interested in helping you. Be genuinely curious about other people; learn something new every time you meet them. Listen more than you talk. If you try to exert authority without having significant buy-in, you will be resisted.
Understand how all the people in your personal network can help you achieve your Prime Objective.
Where are you right now? Is this the best place for you? Your universe is your context and you choose that context.
How do you see yourself? What do you like about yourself? What don’t you like? Who are you from the inside out? Your opinion of yourself is a crucial and must reflect both reality and your inventiveness.
Two brothers grew up in an abusive home. One became an ax murderer and the other became a Nobel Prize Laureate. When asked why they turned out the way they did, both replied identically, “Given my abusive childhood, how could I have become anything else?” It isn’t only what happens to you that matters, but how you perceive what happens to you is more important. Just because something doesn’t feel good to you doesn’t mean it is not good for you.
The number one condition for success in life is the ability to create and leverage successful relationships.
Three perspectives to help you clearly understand where you are right now: 1. How do you see yourself? 2. How do others see you? 3. How would you like to be seen? These three questions lead to the strategy question, “So what do I do now?”
We need to be aware of the web relationships around us, the agendas, needs, and motives of those around us, in order to respond properly. Instead of suppressing the frustrations caused by relationship, leading to an inevitable blowup or poor decision, you must learn to constantly deal with your relationships.
First, assess your environment. Step back and take a broader look at the whole picture. Break down your environment into its specific aspects and then deal with each part in turn. Identify the players and how each person can help you or hinder you. You can’t carry out your Prime Objective plan all by yourself; without the help of others you will fail.
To build and maintain a rock-solid network you must: 1. Identify what’s in it for the other person and what he has to lose. 2. Recognize the beliefs, thinking style and personality of the other person. 3. Genuinely care for the other person and show it. People will not help you unless they can see what’s in it for them. Get clear and specific what is clear to the other person. Help the other person without expecting to receive anything in return. Discover other people’s prime objective, needs, and their secret vanity.
Help other people manage the change you are creating. Beware of people who demand that you stay the same in order to keep the relationship. Just because something is self-evident to you, it isn’t obvious to other people, so explain everything to other people. Discover how they learn and make decisions so you can help them adjust to the change.
Show regard; get interested in people for their own sake. The more you are interested in other people without trying to get something in return, the more they will be interested in helping you. Be genuinely curious about other people; learn something new every time you meet them. Listen more than you talk. If you try to exert authority without having significant buy-in, you will be resisted.
Understand how all the people in your personal network can help you achieve your Prime Objective.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Self-knowledge
“Self-knowledge is best learned, not by contemplation, but by action. Strive to do your duty and you will soon discover of what stuff you are made.” Johann Goethe
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